Looking for sanity in marijuana laws

I’ve spent most of my adult life in two states, Colorado and Washington, and as it happens, these are the two states that have passed laws legalizing pot. Am I single-handedly responsible? Dude, I totally am.

Okay, no, I’m totally not. At least not single-handedly.
I did, however, vote yes on initiative 502, which essentially legalized marijuana in Washington. That’s not to say I had no reservations about the initiative, because I did, and I’ll detail them in a second. But I thought, and still think, that the harm done by incarcerating marijuana users outweighs the harm done by an increase in marijuana addiction.
Yes, marijuana is addictive. If you don’t think it is, then explain that one guy you know who smokes pot from the time he wakes up until right before nighty-night. I’ve known people who smoke before work, who smoke in the break between classes, who smoke before a movie, during a movie, and after a movie. If something’s stressful, they smoke to chill out. If it’s relaxing, they smoke to enjoy it more. If that’s not addiction, it’s a hell of a habit.
At the same time, marijuana is not heroin. It is not crack cocaine. It is not alcohol. If even a long-time heavy user stops smoking altogether, cold turkey, they will not have convulsions or drop into a feverish delirium. What they will likely have is considerable anxiety and an intense desire to get high.
There are, however, a couple of other health concerns. The first is that marijuana smoke is harmful to the lungs. I’m sure this is true – it’s obviously not good for your lungs – but given the comparatively small amount of smoke inhaled by marijuana users, I just can’t get too worked up about it.
The other concern is the connection between marijuana use and mental illness. I believe that heavy marijuana use probably does raise the likelihood of developing mental illness in certain susceptible users, and worsens the conditions of those already diagnosed with mental illness.

This is serious, and is perhaps my foremost worry with legalization, or at least with the full-scale commercialization occurring in Colorado and (soon) Washington. The commercialization of pot will almost certainly increase use; increased use will likely result in higher rates of drug addiction and mental illness. Let’s not downplay it. Marijuana can have a profound effect on individuals, and not infrequently that effect is negative. Played out on a societal basis, it has a significant impact.
My feelings about what role government should play are pretty well summed up in David Brooks’ recent column on pot: “…in healthy societies government wants to subtly tip the scale to favor temperate, prudent, self-governing citizenship. In those societies, government subtly encourages the highest pleasures, like enjoying the arts or being in nature, and discourages lesser pleasures, like being stoned.”
Fair enough. The problem, of course, is that pot policy has been anything but subtle. It has mostly consisted, instead, of locking untold thousands of people in prison for the “crime” of using a drug that most people would concede is less harmful than alcohol or cigarettes.
To call this unjust is like calling the Joker a little bit crazy. It’s more than unjust; it’s positively monstrous. It turns government into a tyrannical Big Brother looking over your shoulder as you light up in your living room, threatening to burst in with assault rifles and throw you in jail. Imprisoning people for marijuana use is utterly wrong, and doing so comes with its own cascade of harmful consequences.
And if we can return to alcohol and cigarettes for a minute: It is also perfectly reasonable to compare marijuana to these substances, and to seek some consistency in our drug laws. It is reasonable to correlate the likelihood of addiction, and the degree of harm posed by that addiction, with the extent of legal prohibition.
That being the case, and since it’s clear that marijuana really is less dangerous than alcohol and tobacco, two lessons can be drawn: first, marijuana should at least be decriminalized; second, alcohol and tobacco should be more tightly controlled.  
With all this focus on health outcomes, though, I don’t want to obfuscate my essential belief that government simply has no right to lock people up for possession of most recreational drugs. Selling drugs, especially large amounts of drugs, is another issue, but even then the law has been hideously inconsistent. Even if they’re doing a drug far more harmful than marijuana, their addiction should be treated as an illness, and that’s all. Locking people up for having a drug addiction like locking people up for having leprosy (which also has not been uncommon historically).
Now, I think there is a middle ground here, one which neither Colorado nor Washington have taken, mostly because the citizens of those states, sick of decades of immoral and ineffective marijuana policies, performed an end run around their legislators and passed initiatives legalizing pot. It would be great if other state legislatures would learn a lesson and avoid the worst consequences of both prohibition on the one hand and commercialization on the other by passing more cautious laws of their own.
Personally, what I’d advocate is a conscious attempt to remove private profit from drug sales. We should seek to eliminate both the black market and the private market – both of which encourage drug use – by replacing them with a tightly controlled government monopoly, or at least a monopoly on retail sales. Practically speaking, this would mean government-run pot dispensaries, similar to the government-run liquor stores common to many states. Possession of moderate amounts of marijuana should be legalized (two ounces sounds like a lot to me), while selling it would remain illegal.
This is a middle path. It recognizes the right of individuals to make basic choices regarding what they put in their bodies, while also recognizing the dangers posed by use and seeking to weaken the drug market, legal and illegal. It’s neither the draconian fist of government smashing people’s lives apart, nor the grasping hand of entrepreneurs encouraging vice for profit. That’s what I call subtle encouragement.

Making Memories: Creating a Major PAO system

Since reading Joshua Foer’s Moonwalking With EinsteinI’ve become a little obsessed with memory systems. In particular, I’ve spent the last several weeks working on a 110-digit person-action-object system based on the Major phonetic memory system. You can find a description of the Major system here and the PAO system here.

It seems many mnemonists use a non-Major PAO system for memory work, associating the digits 00-99 with unconnected person-action-object combinations. Foer’s book title, for instance, is based on the image of Michael Jackson moonwalking with a white glove. Remember any part of the image, and you’ll remember the rest.

The great disadvantage of this system, however, is that you have to first associate each of these hundred images with the corresponding number. This presents a significant time investment and a barrier to easy use. The great advantage of a Major-based system, by contrast, is that all you need to know is its 10-digit phonetic basis, which anyone can learn in about five minutes. With that easy-to-acquire knowledge in hand, you can then use a printed table to create your images and retranslate those images into numbers, without even having to memorize all one hundred images.
Memory-Sports.com has a link to a Major PAO system here, which was basically my starting point. This system is really quite well constructed, but I had some problems with it. First, quite a few of the names and words used weren’t entirely phonetic. This is not a big deal, but in some instances I thought there were easily available phonetic alternatives. Second, some of the actions and objects just didn’t work for me in memorizing. They were too small, too indistinct, too forgettable.Third, some of the Persons just didn’t mean anything to me. This isn’t surprising, given the constraints of the system, but I realized it would be very helpful to provide alternatives so that you could more easily construct your own system. In finding those alternatives, the keyword search tool at http://www.phoneticmnemonic.com/ was very helpful.
You’ll also note that my system has 110 images. Why? Because you can’t always count on an even number of digits in the number you’re trying to memorize. So there’s one set of images for 0-9 and another for 00-09.
In any case, here’s the actual Major PAO system I ended with in a printable format. But to help you make your own system, I’m going also to go through it here, digit by digit, with alternative words and notes. The point, after all, isn’t to have a single uniform system for everyone, but a personalized system that works for you. It’s your memory, so you’ll have to find those images that stick in your mind.
0. Zoe sawing a house (Alternatives: Sue, see, sea, zoo)
Zoe’s include Zoey Deschanel, Zoe on the West Wing, or of course someone you know with that name. I envision a dollhouse for the house.
1. Di dying with a tie (Eddie, doe, dough, auto, die, hood, tea, tee, toe, weed, wood)
Princess Di, or if you prefer, Eddie Murphy, Eddie Vedder, Mr. Ed. Dying could be advanced age, having a heart attack, or a chemical dye.
(108 more after the jump…)

2. Neo kneeing wine (Anne, Han, annoy, gnaw, gnu, inn, Wayne, wean, wane)
Neo from The Matrix in trench coat and shades, smashing a bottle with his knee. If you want to pursue a Star Wars theme, use Han, but you might want to save him for Solo (05).
3. Moe mowing ammo (Amy, Emma, aim, ma, me, homo, hum, womb)
Moe from the Simpsons. Big bullets.
4. Uhura rowing with an arrow (air, Roe, Roo, ewer, hair, hare, hero, ore, war, whore, wire)
5. Leia oiling an owl (Lee, lie, lye, law, lei, howl, ale, wail, whale)
Princess Leia from Star wars. Bruce Lee lying in a leiwould also work well. Personally I remember an owl more readily than flowers, and I used lie low for 55.
6. Chewy chewing a shoe (Joe, Joey, Jew, ash, edge, jaw, jay)
Following the Star Wars theme. Also considered Joe Biden.
7. Ewok playing hockey with a cow (Kay, Guy, hawk, hike, hook, hug, oak, wake, walk, wig, wok, yoga, yoke)
Lots of action-object alternatives here. I get the easiest images from hockey.
8. Ivy weaving a wave (Ava, Heff, vow, heave, hive, hoof, wife)
I use Poison Ivy from Batman. Not many great choices for F or V names.
9. Pooh bowing to a bee (Abe, Abby, Bay, boy, buy, hippo, boa, bow, hoop, oboe, pea, pee, pie, pa, web, weep, whip).
Lots of choices. Settled on Winnie the Pooh as simple, memorable, and phonetic. You could extend the theme with Roo (4), Owl (5) and Tigger (17). I know it’s tempting to do Pooh pooing or Pooh peeing, but then what will you use for 61 (shit), 90 (piss), or 99 (poop)?
00. ZZ sizing a seesaw (Zeus, sis, seize, sass)
I picture one of the guys from ZZ Top, long beard and cowboy hat. Sis (as in sister) also works, if you have a sister and don’t mind imagining your family members doing some weird stuff. I picture “sizing” as measuring with a measuring tape.
01. Sid sitting on sod (Zed, Saudi, seed, soda, soot, suit, stew, sty, swat, sweat, swede)
Sid Vicious sitting on a roll of sod (grass).
02. Santa singing in the snow (son, Sonny, sun, swan, swine, swoon, sign)
I really don’t like this much because of the inexact phonetics, but the memorability of the image probably makes up for it. Actually, in my personal system I use “Xan signing in the snow,” but that only works if you know someone named Xan.
03. Sam swimming with a semi (sumo)
Uncle Sam, Sam Worthington, or someone you know. A sumo wrestler also works well. A semi is of course a large freight truck.
04. Zoro soaring in a Zero (sear, sari, Sawyer, sewer, sire, swear)
A Zero being a WWII-era Japanese plane. Soaring being flying in any form.
05. Seal swallowing a seal (Solo, Sulu, Sully, sail, slay, sleigh, soil, swell)
I know, I’m failing nerd-wise by not using Han Solo or Sulu. But Seal swallowing a seal is easier to remember.
06. Sacha sashaying in sewage (sash, siege, sage)
Not a ton of choices here, and very limited names for Persons. This is Sacha Baron Cohen, but if you know someone named Sasha, that might work better.
07. Zack sucking on a ski (Isaac, Zeke, sock, soak, sake, sag, sack, sick, swig)
Hopefully you know a Zack or an Isaac. Otherwise, maybe imagine a zombie named Zeke?
08. Sophia saving a safe (salve, salve, sofa)
I imagine Sophia Lauren, diving to catch a safe before it hits the ground.
09. Zap zapping a zep (seep, soap, sob, soup, spew, spy, sub, sweep, swipe, swoop)
Zap Brannigan from Futurama zapping a zeppelin with a raygun.
10. Taz tazing a daisy (Dizzy, dice, tease)
Not a ton of choices here, but the Looney Tunes character works fine.
11. Data tattooing a tit (Todd, dad, dude, edit, toad)
Data from Star Trek: TNG. A toad might actually be better than a “tit,” but give it a try and see which you prefer.
12. Dana tanning on tin (Dan, Diane, Diana, Dino, Dean, Dane, den, tuna, tune, twine)
Dana Scully from the X-Files, of course, tanning langorously on a tin roof.
13. Timmy timing a dummy (Tim, Tom, Tammy, Dom, dam, tame, tomb, tome)
Timmy from South Park in his wheelchair holding a stopwatch, with a crash-test dummy.
14. Tori drawing a tire (Dora, Hodor, Tara, dare, deer, diarrhea, diary, door, dry, hydra, otter, tar, tear)
Lots of choices here. Take your pick.
15. Dali dueling with a towel (Dolly, Doyle, Dale, deal, dial, idol, tail, tool, yodel)
It’s a surreal image. Get it? Get it?
16. Tasha dodging a dish (DJ, TJ, attach, teach, touch, twitch)
outlawyr’s system uses Tasha Yar, but to tell the truth I haven’t watched Star Trek: TNG in years, and I barely remember her. Also, I don’t really like loading up on Star Trek characters, because they all wear the same uniforms, which makes them visually similar. Definitely a point for Star Wars. Unfortunately, there aren’t a lot of choices for Persons here. Let me know if you think of something better.
17. The Duke decking a taco (dick, dock, dog, duck, tack, talk, tic, tuck, tug, twig)
John Wayne punching a taco that’s presumably been rude to a lady. Originally I had “dig” instead of “deck,” but then I realized that I also had “bury” for 94. Too similar.
18. Daffy diving with a dove (Dave, defy, tofu)
If you don’t like ducks, I guess you could use Dave Letterman, Dave Matthews… a lot of Daves.
19. Debby taping a tuba (Dobby, Dopey, tub, type)
If you know a Debby, great. If not, maybe Dobby from Harry Potter will work.
20. Nazi nosing a noose (niece)
Yeah, not many choices. I use Hitler for the Nazi, and picture “nosing” as poking something with his nose.
21. knight knitting a net (Andy, Anita, Hannity, Wendy, ant, gnat, knead, knot, nut, untie, wand, want, window, wound)
22. nun nannying an onion (neon)
Nun and onion work great, but nannying is admittedly a little hard to picture. Wagging a finger and wearing an apron should work.
23. Nemo giving an enema to a gnome (numb)
One sick fish. One sick gnome.
24. Nero honoring a wiener (Henry, Nora)
A Roman emperor saluting a wiener. Can obviously also refer to penis. If you know a Henry or a Nora, that would probably stick better than Nero.
25. Neil kneeling with a nail (anal, inhale, knoll)
Neil Patrick Harris, or Neil Armstrong in a space suit. “Anal” or “inhale” are both good alternative Actions here.
26. Nacho notching a nacho (Nash, gnash, nudge)
Jack Black as Nacho Libre cutting notches in the nachos.
27. Nick knocking on a nuke (hang, neck, nick)
Nick Cave, Nick Cage.

28. nephew knifing the navy (envy, nova)
I imagine my nephew stabbing a submarine. If you don’t have a nephew, outlawyr suggests “Nefertiti.”
29. Napoleon napping on a knob (honeybee, nip)
I actually have a friend named “Nebi,” which works great here, but since that’s not a common name I’ve included the “Napoleon” option. A cartoon honeybee, like from the breakfast cereal, might also work well.
30. Holmes macing a moose (messiah, mouse, maze)
Sherlock doing what he gotta do to that murdering moose. Note that it’s pronounced “Homes.” “Messiah” would work as well or better, but I use “Jesus” for 60.
31. Mitt muddying a mitt (Matt, maid, meat, meet, mite, moat, mutt)
Mitt Romney getting a perfectly good baseball mitt all dirty. How that would bother him. Lots of Matts around too, of course.
32. Minnie mooning the moon (Moon, Mooney, Mann, mine, ammonia, mane, money)
I originally had the Reverend Moon here, but he did nothing for me. Minnie I can remember, at least.
33. mom miming a mummy (maim)
The things mothers do to help you remember.
34. Mary marrying a mare (Marie, hammer, marrow, mayor, mire, mower)
The Virgin Mary, or any of the world’s hundred million other Mary’s.
35. Maul mailing a mole (Emily, mill)
More Star Wars with Darth Maul. You might imagine the mole with its head sticking out of an envelope.
36. MJ mashing a match (macho, mage, mesh, mojo, mush)
Mary Jane from Spider-man.
37. Mickey mugging a mug (Mike, Meg, McCoy, hammock, mock, mic)
Mickey Mouse, or any Mike you know.
38. Mephistopheles moving a humvee (Muffy, movie)
I struggled with this one. Originally I had “Muffy,” who is either a character from the cartoon Arthur, or a rapper. Neither one means anything to me, so I’ve switched to Mephistopheles, i.e. Satan. Switching to Satan is always the right answer.
39. Moby mopping a map (amp, hemp, imp, mob)
I’ve cleared his table a couple times. True story.
40. Rose racing a rose (Reese, Rice, Ross, arouse, raze, rice)
My friend Rose, Pete Rose, Reese Witherspoon, Condi Rice.

41. Rod riding a rat (art, award, heart, hoard, horde, radio, raid, reed, riot, write)

Rod Stewart riding a rat. Just seems right, right? If you don’t like Rod, though, you might try Reed Richards of the Fantastic Four, with the stretchy arms and all that.
42. Ron running with a rhino (Aaron, iron, rain)
Ron Burgundy, maybe?
43. Rambo ramming a ram (army, harem, ram, ream, roam, worm)
No, Rambo is not phonetic, but trying finding another name that is. Rahm Emanuel? Ram Dass? I imagine “ramming” as head-butting.
44. warrior roaring at a rear (Rory, aurora, horror)
Again, very few options. I picture a Scottish warrior with a claymore, yelling at someone’s butt.
45. O’Reilly rolling a roll (oral, rail, reel, royal, rule, whirl)
Bill O’Reilly with a big dinner roll. Great for memory because every time I use him I feel a little angry. Tempting of course to use “oral,” but remember that “suck” is 07.
46. Reggie retching a roach (Archie, Irish, orgy, rage, reach, rouge)
Funny that both Archie and Reggie work here.
47. Rocky raking a rock (Eric, Rick, rack, rag, rig, rogue, rook, rug, wreck)
48. Rove raving on a roof (Raffi, Harvey, arrive, reef)
Karl Rove breaking it down with some glowsticks. Even evil needs to get loose sometimes.
49. Rabbi raping a rib (Rob, Arab, harp, rope, rub, wrap)
One messed-up rabbi. One messed-up rib.
50. Lisa lassoing lace (Lewis, Louise, Lucy, lice, lose)
I use Lisa Simpson.
51. Lloyd welding a light (Lady, Eliot, lad, lead, lute)
Christopher Lloyd, best known as Doc Brown from Back to the Future. outlawyr suggests Lady Gaga, but I have a hard time imagining her as “Lady” rather than “Gaga.”
52. Elaine leaning on a lion (Helen, Lynn, alien, loon)
Elaine from Seinfeld.
53. Liam looming with a lime (Alma, William, elm, lamb, limb, loom)
Liam Neeson leaning creepily over you.
54. Lara lowering a lyre (Laura, Larry, lawyer, lure)
I picture Angelina Jolie as Lara Croft. A lyre is a small harp.
55. LL (Cool J) lying low with a lolly (Lyle, Lola, Lily, loll, lull)
Maybe Evangeline Lily? I dunno, I gots big love for LL. I know “lie low” may seem weak, but lying on the ground is a simple, clear image. Maybe you could imagine “lulling” as cradling something and singing it a lullaby. A lolly is of course a lollipop.
56. Luigi leashing a leech (eyelash, lash, ledge, lodge)
57. Luke licking a log (elk, hulk, leak, leek, leg, lock, lug)
More Star Wars with Luke Skywalker.
58. elf laughing at lava (leaf, love, loaf, olive, wolf)
Maybe Will Ferrell in the movie, maybe Legolas, maybe some other elf.
59. Leprechaun leaping on a lip (Lobo, Lapp, elbow, help, lab, lap, lobby, lop)
I went through several options before settling on “leprechaun.” The first syllable at least is phonetic, and the image is very memorable. “Leper” could also work; outlawyr suggests “Liberace.”
60. Jesus chasing cheese (chess, choose, juice)
No, not precisely phonetic, but Jesus is too easy to remember. You could do (Chevy) Chase chasing cheese, which is also easy.
61. Judy doing judo on a jet (cheetah, chide, jade, shed, sheet, shit, shut)
Judy Garland in her Wizard of Oz getup. I also considered (Chester the) Cheetah or (Joan) Jett. Didn’t use “shit” because I like “poop” too much for 99.
62. John chaining a genie (Jane, Jean, Joan, June, Sean, gin, ocean, shine)
Tons of Persons to choose from, so take your pick. I think John Lennon immediately, personally. You could do John chaining a john, if you like.
63. Jimi jamming with jam (gem, gym, shame)
Jimi Hendrix or some other Jim.
64. Cher showering with a cherry (Jerry, char, cheer, shear, shore)
Or Jerry Seinfeld showering, but who wants to imagine that?
65. Joel jailing jello (Jill, Julie, cello, chili, gel, jelly, shell)
My name’s Joel, so you know, easy ’nuff.
66. Cheech judging hashish (Joshua)
Maybe the easiest mnemonic of all these.
67. Chuck choking a chick (Jack, Jake, chalk, cheek, chuck, chug, hedgehog, jock, jog, jug, shag, shake)
I have friend named Chuck, and I like the alliteration, but there’s about a thousand Jacks you could use. Jack Skellington would probably be my choice.
68. Chef shaving a chief (Jeff, Jehovah, shove)
Okay, Jehovah’s tempting, but I didn’t want to get confused with Jesus. I use Chef from South Park and imagine a wooden tobacco-store chief.
69. Jabba chopping a sheep (Job, chip, Jeep, ship, shop)
Jabba the Hutt getting ready to eat. If you used “lamb” for 53, you’ll want to use “Jeep” or “ship” instead of “sheep.”
70. Kiss kissing a goose (Casey, Cass, accuse, axe, ex, gaze, keys, ox)
One of the guys from the band Kiss in concert makeup.
71. Cat(woman) cutting a cat (God, Kate, Kit, act, coat, cod, goat, gut, kite)
Now, Catwoman’s not entirely phonetic, whereas God and Kate are. But if I imagine Michelle Pfeiffer in that vinyl outfit doing pretty much anything, well… rawr.
72. Ken canoeing with a gun (Cohen, Ken, Khan, acne, can, cane, coin, cone, queen)
Quite a few choices here for all three. Queen Elizabeth is easy and visual, but I also love Leonard Cohen, and Star Trek’s Khan is pretty vivid. Be sure to distinguish “canoe” from “row” (4).
73. Kim coming on a comb (coma, gum)
I imagine Kim Jong Il, but maybe there’s another Kim you prefer. outlawyr uses “combing gum,” but don’t tell me you’ll actually remember that better.
74. Cory crying on a car (Carrie, the Crow, Gary, Oscar, choir, crew, cure, curry, gore, guru, hacker, hooker, ogre)
Take your pick of Persons here.
75. Coolio cooling a koala (Kelly, Quayle, call, claw, clay, coal, coil, cola, collie, eagle, glow, glue, gull, igloo, quail, quill)
I originally had “killing” here, but in trying using the system I realized that it was too indefinite, considering all the other violent actions used for other numbers. I imagine Coolio dumping bags of ice on a feverish koala.
76. Cash catching cash (cage, coach, gash, gouge, gush, quiche)
Johnny Cash for an easy mnemonic. Nicolas Cage would also work. Man, that guy is everywhere.
77. Kirk kicking a cake (Cook, Gaga, cock, cocoa, coke, cook, cookie, gag, kayak, keg, quack)
Kirk isn’t entirely phonetic, but it’s close. Kayak is distinct, but too close to row (4) or canoe (72).
78. Goofy coughing with coffee (calf, give)
Probably from all the Pall-Malls he’s been smoking.

79. Cap cupping a cape (Kip, cop, cub, gape, hiccup)

Captain America, ironic since he doesn’t wear a cape. Kip is a character on Futurama.
80. Fozzie lighting a fuse on a vise (face, fuss, fuzz, phase, visa, voice)
Okay, I have to confess, I never watched the Muppets that much, so Fozzie’s actually kind of hard for me to remember. Any other suggestions?
81. Vader doing voodoo with a video (avoid, feed, fight, foot, photo, vet)
Darth Vader isn’t quite phonetic, but he’s easily the best choice for this number. Voodoo means he’s sticking pins into something. I imagine a VHS cassette for video, or something playing on a screen.
82. Vin fanning a phone (Finn, Vaughn, Vin, faun, fawn, fin, oven, vein, vine)
Vin Diesel. Vince Vaughn or Finn from Adventure Time are both fine alternatives. Maybe Finn fanning a fawn?
83. Fam(ily Guy) fumigating an ovum
After some struggle I’ve come to terms with this one. “Family Guy” is Peter Griffin, “fumigate” is walking around with a metal canister spraying stuff, and “ovum” is a big ostrich egg.
84. Pharaoh firing fire (Farrah, Fury, fairy, fear, ferry, fir, fry, fur, hover, ivory, pharaoh, veer)
A couple choices for Persons, but I think an Egyptian pharaoh is easiest to remember. “Firing” is using something as a gun, as distinct from fire as an object.
85. Fool falling on a flea (fail, feel, flee, foil, foul, fowl, fuel, veil, viola, waffle)
A costumed Fool doing a pratfall. If you imagine a flea, you’ll probably have to imagine a lot of them to make it stick. If you prefer, you could have Flea (from the Red Hot Chili Peppers) fleeing a flea.
86. Vishnu fishing for fudge (fetch, fuji, vouch, voyage)
I originally had the band Phish, but for the life of me I couldn’t remember it (not a fan). Vishnu is a multi-armed blue Indian deity.
87. Viggo fucking a fig (Vicky, fag, fake, fog, folk, vogue)
Viggo Mortensen.
88. Fifi high-fiving a fife (Viv)
I use Fifi La Fume from Tiny Toons. Vivien Leigh from Gone With the Wind is also viable.
89. Fabio with a phobia of a viper (Phoebe, fob, fop)
Fabio looking scared of a snake. Originally had “fob,” like a keychain, but it’s no good for memory.
90. Bozo pissing on a bus (the Boss, Buzz, abuse, booze, pass, pussy)
Bozo the Clown.
91. Buddha biting a bat (Pat, Pete, Buddy, abbot, beat, bed, beet, behead, bet, boat, body, butt, pout)
92. Ben playing piano with a bunny (Ben, Bono, Obi-Wan, Penny, bean, bone, bun, ebony, pen, pin, pine, pony)
Originally had “Obi-Wan,” which is a memorable image but not necessarily easy to connect with 92. 
93. Obama bombing a bum (balm, beam, boom, opium, palm, puma)
Why, Barack? Why?
94. Barry burying a bra (Barry, Perry, bar, bare, bear, beer, berry, boar, burrow, eyebrow, opera, pare, parry, pear, pour, prey, pry, purr)
Barry White stands out to me. Of course, you can use Barack (Barry) Obama, but “Obama bombing a bum” just seems too natural not to use. There’s also Perry Mason, Katy Perry, and Luke Perry, and a number of Bears that would do the job,
95. Bill bowling with a bell (Abel, Apollo, Paul, Paula, apple, ball, bell, belly, blow, bowel, bull, opal, pail, peel, pile, pill, pillow, plow, pole, pool)
Lots of choices here for all three words. Bill Murray’s the first Bill that comes to mind.
96. Bush butchering a peach (Apache, badge, bash, beach, bitch, bush, pitch, push)
97. (Miss) Piggy poking a bike (Polk, back, bag, bake, beak, beg, book, buck, bug, pack, peck, peek, pike, puck, puke)
98. Buffy buffing beef (beehive, buffet, pave)
I imagine a big side of beef.
99. Popeye pooping a pipe (Bob, Pope, baby, boob, papa, pop, poppy, pub, puppy)
Guess he just lost control and swallowed it one day.

Aphorism: Intuition

Intuition is most valuable when it helps you bring unconscious impulses to light and follow the deepest promptings of your heart. Yet if you follow your intuition uncritically, it rapidly devolves into irrationality and rank superstition. A dash of doubt seasons the soup of character.

The true cost of car ownership

It seems Millennials aren’t buying cars. Well, they are, but not as many as their parents. Worse yet, they don’t even seem to care that they’re not buying them. They’re not even getting driver’s licenses, for Chrissakes.

Everyone’s remarking on the trend, and everyone has a different set of explanations. NPR ran a puff piece a few days ago suggesting that cars are losing their position as key status symbols for teenagers. The Atlantic points to the rise of smart phones and car-sharing services, among other culprits. Time echoes the “cars aren’t cool” teen sentiments revealed by several opinion studies, while also citing the views of automakers that it’s the economy, stupid, and when jobs pick up, the kids will buy cars just like their parents. (Forbes, ridiculously, says it’s just that young people are pickier than ever– that if they can’t have a BMW when they’re sixteen, they’ll wait until they’re eighteen. Because of coursethey’re getting a Beamer.)
Every article mentions the high cost of owning a car. It turns out – surprise! – that owning a car is really expensive, and a lot of young people, especially those living in the city with its greater car-owning costs and transit options, have realized they can’t afford it. What I want to say here, though, is that a car isn’t just really expensive. It’s really, really, reallyexpensive, representing for most people the largest portion of their disposable income. It is, in short, about the worst financial decision you can make, and if you can possibly avoid buying a car, you should. On a broader level, our society’s obsession with personally owned cars is profoundly unhealthy, representing a huge misplacement of wealth that could otherwise be spent on desperately needed public investments.
So just how expensive is car ownership? AAA estimates that the average sedan costs $8,946 per year to operate. That’s right: almost nine thousand dollars, including car payments, maintenance, insurance and gas.

This figure alone blows my mind. See, I don’t own a car. Mostly I ride my bicycle, and occasionally take the bus. Once a week my girlfriend and I walk to the grocery store and carry our food home. When we want to go out, we walk to a nearby restaurant or bar – easy to do here in Seattle’s urban Capitol Hill neighborhood.
The total cost of owning a bicycle? Well, I bought it new for about $600, with tax, four years ago. I bring it to a bike shop for regular professional maintenance, costing me at most $200/year. I’ve also bought a fair number of bike accessories, jackets, gloves and the like, so let’s add another $200/year for that. And let’s say I’ll buy a new bike next year (I won’t, but lots of people would), at a similar price.
My total yearly cost of ownership: $520.
But wait! What if I actually need a car? What if I’m moving? What if I want to go to Portland? What if I want to eat at a restaurant in Ballard? 

For this, I have a number of options. I’m a Zipcar member (I refuse to say “Zipster”), and a Car2go member. I can also rent from Enterprise if needed, and I never hesitate to take a cab.

Aren’t those expensive, though?
It doesn’t take a mathematician to see they’re not expensive at all, compared to $9,000/year. Stop and think: for $9,000, you could rent a Zipcar at a daily rate of $90 for 100 days. More realistically, you could rent a car two days a week, every week – or more realistically yet, sign up for one of their heavy-user monthly plans, use a car two or three days a month, and save thousands.
Now, not everyone drives a new car. The amount spent on car ownership naturally tends to decrease with income, and the lowest 20% of income earners on average spend about $2,800/year. That’s a far cry from $9,000, but still a lot more than the $1,000 or so I’ll spend on my bicycle and car-sharing services.
The true cost of car ownership, though, is far greater than these figures alone, because they must be balanced against not just the money you would otherwise retain, but the money you could save, and the interest on that money. When you begin looking at car costs as lost savings, you realize that they represent, over the long term, hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Start with the average cost of ownership versus non-ownership. If I save $8,000/year, over ten years I’ll have saved $80,000. Right?
No, of course not. There’s interest accumulating on that. At an interest rate of 6.5% compounded monthly, you’ll have saved $113,000.
So: after ten years, you could have a car, and whatever else you manage to save. Or you could have no car, and $113,000.And this is for an averagecar. Over a twenty-year period, the results are even more astonishing: by not owning a car, you could amass a golden nest egg of $329,000.
By now some readers are bursting with objections, the first of which is certain to be: “But I have to own a car. I need it to get to work. I need it to pick up my kids from school, and get groceries, and visit Mom in Bellingham. I can’t do without it, and so all these calculations are meaningless.”
For many people, especially those living outside of city centers, these objections are perfectly valid. In the long term I would question the wisdom of development models centered around cars – i.e. sprawling, inefficient suburbs – but in the short term, it’s what we’re stuck with. And of course the economic calculations involved in buying a car are far more complex than just choosing to ride a bike or take the bus. Owning a car can often mean a substantial increase in income, because it vastly increases the radius within which one can reasonably search for employment. This should really be balanced against the cost of owning a car – are you making $8,000 per year more? Can you move closer to work? – but jobs also aren’t always just about the bottom line. For that matter, visiting Mom in Bellingham may not be a purely secondary consideration. Family is important, and if it costs a lot to visit our loved ones while maintaining a decent life for ourselves, that’s a price many are willing to pay. And for those living outside of major cities, cars are often the only way to get anywhere. After eighty or ninety years of car-centered urban planning, it’s how most of the country is built.
But I want to return now to the lower-income cost of car ownership. Less well-off people spend about $2,800/year. That’s a lot more than the $1,000 I’ll spend, but it’s also a lot less than $9,000. How do they do it? First off, they drive cheaper cars, which is to say, they buy used. They also are more likely to have only liability insurance instead of full coverage, and drive less, because they’re more conscious of gas prices.
However, they still own a car.They can still drive to work if they need to. They can still visit Mom, get groceries, and take the kids to karate class. They have all the mobility and convenience of every other car owner.
The point is this: Practically speaking, there is no difference between a cheap car and an expensive car. They do the exact same things and travel at the exact same speeds. Practically speaking, economically speaking, the latest model hot off the lot offers absolutely no more value than a ten-year old clunker. So why, why, whybuy a new car? Why, people?
“Because it’s cool! It’s fun to drive!”
Crap. Total crap.
This kind of reasoning is for four-year-olds. Ask some little kids what they would do if you gave them a thousand dollars each, and they’ll say, “I’d buy toys! And candy, lots of candy.” The kids could do lots of things with that money. They could buy lessons, take a trip somewhere new and interesting, get something of lasting value. But because they’re kids, they’re not even aware of the possibility. All they want is the stuff they’ve seen advertised on Saturday mornings.
As adults, we need a broader perspective. We need to see that money doesn’t just buy us toys; it buys us opportunities.When we choose to buy a car instead of a bicycle, or an expensive car over an inexpensive one, we are foreclosing on our own futures.
One last calculation: $9,000 vs. $2800, the average car cost vs. the low-income cost, a difference of $5200 per year. Over a ten-year period, with interest, you’d save $73,000. Over twenty years, it’s $213,000. Remember: You still have a car. It works, it gets you everywhere you need to go. It’s just not new.
Think of what you could do with that money. You could put a down payment on a house (a second house, for that matter, since you’re probably paying rent or mortgage already). You could open your own business, exponentially increasing your earning power. You could go back to college on your own dime, and study whatever you want. You could give to charity. You could help out your friends and family and community in vital ways.
Or you could drive around a slightly shinier vehicle. You could (maybe) impress a few friends with your purchase, until it becomes old hat and you start to want a new one.
When I see a Lexus SUV or a BMW convertible, I don’t see something that’s “fun to drive.” I see a terrible failure of the imagination. I see ambitions so small, dreams so circumscribed, that they seem drawn straight from TV commercials. I see individuals so unconsciously obsessed with status that they’ll throw away their futures for the sake of a hood ornament.
And when you multiply these costs across a whole nation, across the whole Earth, you see something still more devastating: a world that devotes its energy to the shallowest of objectives, on mere possessions. With the money we waste on cars, we could do nearly anything. We could build high-speed rail lines through every metro area, construct a hyperloop, put a colony on Mars. We could end homelessness permanently, make higher education universally accessible, and pay for truly universal medical care.

All it would cost is to stop worrying about how shiny our toys are.

The Herbivore’s Solution

I just finished reading The Omnivore’s Dilemma: A Natural History of Four Meals by Michael Pollan, and it’s a book that demands a response, especially if, like me, you’re a vegetarian. I’m not going to bother summarizing the book’s contents, since the only likely reason you’d be interested in this response is if you’ve already read it. I’m also not going to spend a lot of time dissecting Pollan’s dismissive, patronizing attitude toward vegetarianism, because B.R. Myers already did so, very cuttingly, in the pages of The Atlantic.

It’s perhaps not surprising that Pollan gives short shrift to vegetarianism. If, after all, his conclusions had been different – if he had ended by endorsing a vegan or vegetarian diet – would his book have been such a bestseller? Well, maybe. There’s a great deal that’s worthwhile here, and maybe readers could overcome the discomfiture of having their diets pilloried for the sake of learning something about the origins of their food. I guess we’ll never know.

As it stands, though, the book to my mind does very much the opposite. Rather than challenging readers at a base dietary level, it instead provides a sort of moral cover for their bad behavior. Pollan would no doubt protest this reading, since the book advocates forcefully for small, sustainable, pastoral farms, modeled by Polyface Farms in Virginia, which Pollan presents as “a scene of almost classical pastoral beauty – the meadows dotted with contented animals, the backdrop of woods, a twisting brook threading through it all …” This “verdurous vista” contrasts sharply with the manure lagoons and mechanized feed mill of the industrial feedlot, “teeming and filthy and stinking.”

So here’s we’re presented with a choice: happy cows fed on green grass, or sad cows fed on industrial corn and liquefied fat? It’s a no-brainer, of course, although there remain those so committed to our destructive corporate system of monoculture crops that they’ll defend the feedlot to their dying breath. For the rest of us, we’d obviously prefer the farm that actually looks like a farm.

And Polyface Farms is a shining model of sustainability, or so Pollan would have us believe. The cows are moved from day to day over its pastures, never overgrazing, their manure contributing to the soil, the land becoming ever more fertile, the grass ever greener. The chickens too move in a daily round, pecking grubs out of the cow patties and adding their nitrate-rich droppings to the land. This is all part of a beautiful cycle, Pollan makes clear, wherein grasses take sunlight, water and soil and and turn them into energy that may be eaten by cows. The cows eat the grass, we eat the cows, and everyone’s happy (up until the moment the cows are shot in the head with a bolt gun, but never mind that).

Now there is, he notes in passing, another, simpler cycle, wherein humans grow plants and then eat the plants, thereby cutting out the cows, pigs or chickens as the unfortunate middlemen. But obviously humans can’t eat grass, so this scenario would never would work at Polyface Farms, and vegetarians are thus excluded from the utopia.

Of course, it would work everywhere else, including the thousands and thousands of acres currently devoted to corn and soy, very little of which is eaten by humans as corn and soy. The whole corn monoculture system, it turns out, is predicated on meat. Three-fifths of the corn crop goes directly to feeding livestock. Most of the rest is used to produce two things: ethanol and our favorite sweetener, high fructose corn syrup. Only a small fraction is used to feed humans directly.

Stop eating meat, and the whole system collapses. Of course, it would collapse anyway, if the government just stopped subsidizing corn. The farmers already don’t make much money from it, and survive only via government subsidy checks. Supporters (read: corporate lobbyists) say this makes food cheaper. But actually what it does – let’s be clear – is make meat cheaper. It doesn’t make vegetables cheaper, or tofu, or beans. To the contrary, by artificially reducing the cost of meat, corporations and government have succeeded in convincing people that vegetarianism is an elitist endeavor, the province of MFA graduates shopping at Whole Foods, while the poor fill themselves on three-dollar Big Macs at McDonald’s. Through most of the developing world, the situation is by nature reversed: the poor eat rice and beans, while the wealthy dine on steak.

And I do mean by nature. Eating lower on the food chain is inherently more energy-efficient. Sometimes you hear people defending monoculture farming by saying, “But there’s no other way to feed so many people! Food would be way more expensive!” This simply isn’t true. It’s meat, and meat alone, that would become more expensive. Dispense with raising meat – cattle, pigs, chickens – and you immediately free up vast amounts of energy and land to grow vegetarian food, or to move to less intensive, more ecologically sound farming practices, or simply to lie fallow.

Even so, I would never say that the Big Agra model is ideal. At the same time, I also don’t believe, as Pollan seems to, that the Polyface model is the only alternative for feeding people. It is the best alternative for meat production. But you’ll never learn what an ideal vegetarian farming community looks like from his book, because he never even considers it.

To Pollan, vegetarianism is historically limited to a few “dissenters”: “Ovid, St. Francis, Tolstoy, and Gandhi come to mind.” And granted, this is true in Europe, but the inclusion of Gandhi in that list should have reminded Pollan that most of the world’s vegetarians are in India – hundreds of millions of them. Are they just “dissenters”? And how are they surviving, when they lack both feedlots and ranches? What function do their cows have, when they don’t slaughter them after a year or two? What about China? You know, the other of the world’s two most populous nations, whose people have historically subsisted in large part on rice and soybeans? What about the millions of vegetarians in Southeast Asia and Japan? What about monastic farming communities in these countries, which may be the best models for sustainable vegetarian agriculture?

Pollan doesn’t answer these questions, because he doesn’t care to ask them. Having decided beforehand to eat meat, he’s concerned only with how to assuage his conscience afterwards.

But putting aside this very serious omission, I want to consider how his argument, such as it is, plays out in real life. The very premise of The Omnivore’s Dilemma is that we are faced with too many choices in the grocery store, most of them bad. Virtually everything in a Safeway is produced industrially, from a can of soup to a package of beef to a head of broccoli. Go to Whole Foods, and you’ll find a greater variety of food sources, but from a consumer’s viewpoint, there’s not really more connection with the food. If you’re being “good,” you read the label and try to avoid the worst, minimizing the harm you’re doing just by eating. If you’re indulging yourself, you buy the chocolate-coated ice-cream sandwich and damn the consequences.

One way or another, though, you’re not actually going to the farm. Certainly you’re not driving miles and miles to buy a pasture-fed chicken (and let’s not even get into the ethics of burning gallons of gas for the sake of eating a more “natural” chicken).

What about the farmer’s market? Sure, awesome. Take the one here in Capitol Hill, which happens every Sunday from eleven to three, five or six months of the year. If you manage to make it there during those limited hours, you’ll find some delicious produce, pasture-fed meat, and farm-fresh eggs. Now, if you missed it, for whatever reason, or if it’s winter, then you’re out of luck. And what will you do? You’ll go to the grocery store, like everyone does. And I mean everyone, at least in the city. You’ll walk down the aisles and make your choices, and hope it’s all right.

You won’t actually know that it’s all right, though, since once again, you haven’t actually seen the fields, nor are you ever going to. There will remain, for your entire life, a gap between you and those fields, because that is the world in which we live. Because the simple truth is, we are not all farmers, nor have we been, for thousands of years, and now more than ever.

What I’m pointing to here is the gap between the ideal and the actual. Pollan is big on presenting the utopian farm and the “perfect meal,” but he’s shy on outlining how this actually is supposed to play out in real life. So far as I can tell, it means asking for pasture-fed meat at the grocery store. Or maybe going hunting, which he really seemed to enjoy.

Is that an improvement on feedlot cattle? Sure! Absolutely! Point granted! News flash, guys: Feedlots suck! So if you’re determined to eat meat, by all means, eat meat that’s at least been decently raised, or go kill it yourself.

Now, are you actually goingto do that? Because I’ve noticed something peculiar, in talking to people about this book. Lots of people have read it, including a lot of “foodies,” people involved in the restaurant industry. And they widen their eyes and say, “Yeah, it’s crazy!” and then return to eating their absolutely non-pasture-raised hamburger or steak or chicken or whatever. And they do this at meal after meal, breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Do they know it’s wrong? Sure they do. And when they go to the grocery store, they might sometimes buy the better meat or eggs. Then again, they might not. They might be at a gas station, and decide that a one-dollar stick of beef jerky is just what they need that second. Where did it come from? Well, they’re not going to think about it right now. Or they’re drunk, and are they going to eat that hot dog from the stand? Hell yes! Or they’re at a restaurant, and are they really going to quiz the server about pasture-fed beef when they’re ordering? No, they’re not.

So let me ask you: Who doesn’t eat the jerky, even if they’re in a hurry? Who doesn’t eat the hot dog, even when they’re drunk? Who does quiz the server, even if it’s a pain?

Yeah, you know who. Vegetarians, that’s who.

Right now some meat-eaters are rolling their eyes, thinking, “God, how annoying!” But sorry, guys, you can’t have it both ways. You can’t earnestly resist these embedded corporate systems, these societal evils, and not offend anyone. You can’t press against the tide and not have it press back. You can’t eat two ethical meals a week, and nineteen clearly unethical ones, and pretend that you’re doing the right thing.

Faced with the opacity of the food market, vegetarians make a conscious choice to avoid the worst harm. The great advantage of this choice is its simplicity. No, I may not know the condition of the soil that the soybeans were grown in, or the evils of the corporation that grew them, or the minute details of how the beans were processed. But I do know one thing: no animal was involved along the way. No chicken had its beak cut off, no cow was dismembered alive, and no corn was wasted feeding those chickens and cows.

There’s a Sanskrit word for this approach: ahimsa, or non-harming, a central concept in both Hinduism and Buddhism. Basically it says: If you can’t do good, at least don’t do harm. Beyond that, it means extending kindness and compassion to all beings.

Occasionally people will ask me why I’m a vegetarian. I usually reply, “Because I think it’s wrong to kill something if you don’t have to.” It’s really that simple. I wouldn’t shoot a dog, I wouldn’t step on a spider, I wouldn’t tear a plant out of the ground, unless it served some real need. In just the same way, I wouldn’t cut a chicken’s throat, or shoot a cow in the head, just because I liked the taste. And never has doing so been less needful, when it’s as easy as picking up a block of tofu and putting it in your cart.

Reflections on Independence Day

When Meg and I arrived at Lake Union Park for the Fourth of July the sun had set and the park was teeming. People poured in from neighboring streets, and each new streetcar creeping from downtown was packed with would-be spectators. For all that, the place wasn’t genuinely packed, and I was happy to see plenty of spaces on the grass affording great views across the lake to Gas Works Park, where the fireworks display would actually be held.

“They have vendors here,” I exclaimed, surprised somehow. “They have ice cream!”
“If you want to wait in line,” Meg replied. It was true, the line snaked back for a long ways.
“We’re not in a hurry. I need to get money first, though.”
I withdrew forty dollars from a little ATM placed right there by the walkway, sheltered by its own ATM-sized tent. Then we stood in line for ten minutes, listening to a nearby musician tapping out Bob Marley tunes on a steel drum, adding to the festal air. Once I’d obtained my cone, we ambled happily away across the grounds toward the clean white edifice of MOHAI, whose acronym I couldn’t quite puzzle out.
People were congregated more densely closer to the water, with families staking out little domains with blankets, towels and lawn chairs. We kept to the concrete walkway, skirting MOHAI’s cafe patio, which was cordoned off with velvet ropes, until we reached the railing by the water. Several yachts were moored there, clearly the properties of the fabulously rich and profligate, whose preposterously small number of friends and hangers-on were flaunting their access by standing on the decks drinking champagne and laughing at the huddled masses behind them. We lingered in a spot close to the building with the patio behind us, breathing the summer air and watching the play of light on the water.
After a while I wished to move on, but Meg, ensconced in her corner away from the crowds, refused to go. “We won’t be able to see the fireworks,” I said, pointing out the obstructing hulks of the yachts.

“Sure we will,” she argued cheerfully. “They’ll be up there, in the sky! Boom!” She was, by this point, more than a little tipsy.
And she would not be moved, however I argued. The truth, I suspected, was that she just didn’t like crowds, but wasn’t willing to say so. In any case, I had a desire to empty my bladder before the show started, so I set off to find a bathroom alone, leaving her there.
The Porta Potties were set up in several long ranks at the edge of the park, easily visible by their bright blue plastic exteriors. In front of them, naturally enough, a queue had formed, as so often happened with crowds. I stood there, waiting patiently, texting Mark and Crystal, until I heard someone nearby talking. “You don’t have to wait,” this person claimed. “There’s all kinds of entrances to the Porta Potties. I don’t even know why there’s a line.”
And on second examination, I realized how strange the line was. There were maybe fifty people queued up, but … there were also at least thirty or forty blue units. Investigating, I got out of line and joined another, smaller line by the second rank of Porta Potties.
As I waited again for my turn, I noticed that the people in front would wait for a door to open, and then head to that vacated unit. But I also noticed that there were a lot of units – at least ten in this little corridor. I began to suspect that most of these units were not in use, at all. When I got to the front of the line, I took a risk and didn’t wait for a door to open. Instead, I walked immediately up to a door I hadn’t seen open, and yanked on it. Sure enough, it was unoccupied.
See, most of the units were unoccupied. It’s just that the lines fulfilled people’s expectation that there would be a line, and we were all apparently perfectly willing to stand there holding our bladders rather than test the validity of what we thoughtwas true. What we risked by such a test was rudeness: being perceived by the crowd as a transgressor of the social compact, one willing to step in front of their fellows out of sheer self-interest.
Pressure relieved, I met up with Mark and Crystal and together we walked back over to Meg’s corner. Again she resisted leaving, but this time was overcome by the pressure of the majority. We found a spot somewhere in the middle of the park and sat down on a patch of surprisingly dry grass, with a great vista of the lake and Gas Works before us. After a while even Meg seemed to relax, despite the proximity of our many neighbors.
The last light was leeching out of the sky when suddenly it seemed half the crowd was standing up. Our great view disappeared, blocked by hundreds of bodies. “Why is everyone standing up?” I asked. “Are the fireworks starting?”
Mark Bell, not one to be caught sitting down, was peering off in the distance. “I think there’s a fire.”
“What?”
“There’s definitely a fire. You can see it. It’s huge.”
Sure enough, once I got to my feet I saw a big plume of thick dark smoke pouring into the sky from somewhere across the water. At its base was the bright orange spark of open flames. “Wow! I hope that’s not the fireworks.”
“It could be. It’s a big fire.”
“So are there even going to be fireworks, then?” Crystal asked.
You could feel the uncertainty in the crowd. From amused and patient spectators we’d been transformed into concerned and anxious citizens. What was happening across the water? Mark tried to access the news on his phone, only to find that he couldn’t connect with thousands of other people in our immediate area trying to do the same. “I want to get a better view,” he said. “Let’s move up to the front.”
“What for?” asked Meg. “We already have a good spot here.”
“We’ll be able to see better up front.”
People were packed three and four and four deep by the railing. There wasn’t much more visible from our new vantage, just that black smoke roiling away into the dusk. Everyone was talking and speculating. We shuffled this way and that, jockeying for a better view through the forest of heads. The smoke diminished. Night fell. Suddenly a panoply of light blossomed in the sky: the fireworks had started. Whatever had happened with the fire, Seattle was going on with the show. We cheered.
Not everyone was happy, though. Right behind us, on the grass, a family of three had set up camp to watch the fireworks, a father, pregnant mother, and young daughter. When the crowd had swarmed to the walkway to see the fire, however, these unfortunates had lost the view they’d coveted. Now the father, who I thought maybe was Thai, was yelling politely enough, “Sit down, please! Everyone, please sit down! The fireworks are starting!”
Heads turned curiously toward him, and then turned back to the fireworks. No one sat.
“Sit down, please! Guys, can everyone please sit down? My daughter wants to see.” His voice was plaintive, chiding, but when he saw that no one was sitting as requested, it became increasingly aggrieved. “Some people have been waiting here for a long time to watch the fireworks. Can everyone please just sit down?”
He went on and on. Still no one sat. His wife joined him in his harangue, less pleasantly: “Doesn’t anyone carethat we’ve been waiting here for five hoursto see the fireworks? Don’t you care that our daughter can’t see?”
This, finally, elicited a response from someone standing right up by the rail. “Some of us have been waiting here for quite a while too,” he ventured.
“If everyone just sat down,we could all see,” she snapped back.
As for us, we just looked at them, puzzled. We weren’t directly in their way, after all, standing off to their left, but it was immediately obvious to us that theirs was a Quixotic struggle. There were at least a dozen people directly in front of them, and if that dozen had sat down, the railing would have blocked theirview, and the people on the edges of the sit-down would have to contend with those still standing. Meanwhile, they were just a few of the thousands of the people in the park, most of whom were standing. It was fighting the tide. Who would even try?
These two, apparently. In a angry, offended huff that stopped just short of swearing (no doubt to protect their daughter’s tender ears), they packed up their blanket with broad aggressive gestures, put their daughter in her stroller, and began forcibly pushing their way to the front of the crowd, determined to obtain the pleasures due their patience.
The really funny thing, of course, is that they weren’t wrong. Hadn’t I made the same comment, back when we were sitting on the grass? If everyone sat down, everyone would be able to see. It was that simple. Instead we all stood, and had to contend with the heads of those in front of us.
The fireworks went on, filling that little low portion of the sky with their familiar spectacle, flowers and fireflies, comets and Saturns. People cheered, several twenty-something men next to us being the loudest. “‘Merica!” they yelled. “Pretty lights!” Or my favorite this year: “Hodor!”
And all the cheers were tinged with irony, I noticed, as I’d noticed at every July 4 celebration I’d ever attended. Even if someone were to yell “Right on, America!” or something, I have to imagine it would be colored by that same self-conscious, semi-sarcastic tone. A crowd will sing the national anthem and place their hands over their hearts, but when watching fireworks they feel forced to acknowledge the ridiculousness of it. They don’t yell “America,” they yell “‘Merica!” Because let’s face it: Shooting colored explosives into the air, as an expression of national unity, is about the lowest common denominator. We may not agree about much else – we may rant and rage about our cousins’ posts on Facebook – but who doesn’t enjoy fireworks? (Okay, probably some people don’t.) It’s a flashy distraction for the masses, candy thrown from a parade float, coins flung from a royal balcony.
As if to prove the point, the fireworks suddenly ended. We waited, but that was it. “That wasn’t much a finale,” I observed.
“I know,” said Meg. “It seemed really short this year.”
It was short: shorter than last year, shorter than the year before. Each year seems to suffer a diminishment. Apparently the city has stopped funding the fireworks, its budget prioritized for more vital needs. It wasn’t clear there even would be a fireworks display this year.
But at the last minute, or so I understand, some private parties stepped in as sponsors: the executives at Amazon, I imagined, and Microsoft, Boeing, Seattle’s corporate titans. I have a theory the reason it was last-minute was because everyone was hoping someone else would foot the bill, playing charity chicken. Finally someone blinked, and threw some coins from their balcony.
There’s a deep ambivalence here, toward crowds, toward our fellow citizens, toward the society we live in. On the one hand, we’re so intent being polite that we’ll wait needlessly for the bathroom for twenty minutes, because we’re afraid that even investigating the situation might upset someone. On the other hand, we’ll all stand up, fighting each other for a view and blocking those with a better claim, even when it’s clearly against our common interest. We all want a celebration, but no one wants to pay for it. We”ll sympathize with someone who gets their house (or boat) burned down, but we won’t actually stop using fireworks to prevent it.

And I wonder, are there countries where everyone stays sitting down? What would that be like? And what would we give up for it?

To know is not to know

She says, It’s like I know, but I don’t know.
The light an amber syrup on her skin.

Desire is a drug, saccharine and low.
We sit on the couch all three in a row,
and with these words I see the truth within.
Yes, I reply. I know, but I don’t know.
You think it’s some secret between us, though,
a plan for betrayal and carnal sin.
Desire is a drug, saccharine and low.
I say, You’ve got to give in to the flow.
Terri pulls out some whipped cream with a grin.
I watch entranced. I know, but I don’t know.
She sucks the nitrous from the tip, and oh!
the bead of cream that trickles down her chin.
Desire is a drug, saccharine and low.
She slips into our bed in dawn’s gray glow.
Right beside you I slide the dagger in.
You see? It’s like I know, but I don’t know.
Desire is a drug, saccharine and low.

Lilith

Perhaps you were determined to beat
every man who haunted you, clear the night

of looming ghosts. Perhaps you desired
only to know what it was to party,
to enjoy the power of your young body,
feel the light of worship on your face.
So at a house in the suburbs you faced
thirty men in button-up shirts, heart beating
as you threw off your dress for the first time, body
frail and wan in the harsh light. That night
ended in no disaster, and you left the party
with a need for a nom de guerre. You desired
something classy. You should call yourself Desire,
I said, which you rejected with a face.
You said you liked Lilith, though at the next party
we found men’s drunken tongues were beaten
by its lisping sounds. They were Teamsters that night,
great hulks, and in play they lifted up your body
as you protested unheard. But your body
was your tool and you learned to use it, the desires
of men slowly acceding to its will. Each night
you learned a little more, how to face
down a troublemaker with a joke, to playfully beat
an unruly father with a riding crop, keep the party
under control with a gesture. Even when the party
turned mean, and a frat boy pressed upon your body
with brute insistence, or a coke dealer beat
upon your fears with an unspoken threat, your desire
for mastery was pure as alabaster, your face
locked in a diamond smile framed by night-
black hair. Still there’s no expressing the nights
we spent that way, the endless parties,
the river of nameless men’s faces,
your bared flesh, the naked voluptuous bodies
swaying and shimmering in a heat wave of desire,
and through it all the city’s electric beat.
And yours was the ivory face of the goddess of night
glimpsed through a party of tortured supplicants beating
themselves from the desire to touch your shining body.