Currently in Birdy, with art by Ali Hoff. A job’s a job.
The Goblet of Beyadon
Fiction
Hear No Evil, See No Evil
Currently in Birdy Magazine at https://www.birdymagazine.com/featured/hear-no-evil-speak-no-evil-by-joel-tagert-art-by-dave-danzara/. Full-sense sims are addictive—and the Three Monkeys will do anything to shut down the neuroport clinics.
I want to get a port.
Absolutely not.
All my friends have them.
What friends?
My friends online.
Those aren’t your friends. You’ve never even met them.
That’s not true, Mom. I know them. You should see the places we go.
Alex, you don’t go anywhere. You hang out in your room all day with your goggles on. You probably don’t even know their real names. Don’t even know what they look like.
Names don’t matter. Bodies don’t matter.
The Sleeper
“The Sleeper” appears in Birdy #108… and as it appears the text isn’t available on Birdy’s site, I’m pleased to share the complete story here! This was one of my very favorite stories for the magazine, and a killer layout to boot, inspired by art by Graham Franciose.
The Sleeper
By Joel Tagert
At other Arctic villages the Felix and its crew had been variously greeted with astonishment, alarm or hostility, to be expected in places where the inhabitants had never seen Europeans, much less a schooner. But when Captain John Ross and five other men disembarked from the jolly boat at that unnamed hamlet in Lancaster Sound—so far as anyone knew, the northernmost settlement in the world—they were greeted only by a delegation of four village elders, who through gestures and Felix’s translator, Minik, indicated they would prefer that their visitors be on their way.
Continue readingThe Writhing
You sure you want to do this?
The ship’s down here, Gedim.
I believe you. But is it wise to go spelunking around an alien cave system when just yesterday we both nearly died after getting sucked into a pit of black goo?
The Artist in the Flesh
“The Artist in the Flesh” appears in Birdy 106, from October 2022, with art by @moon_patrol. Alternate title “Chupacabra Chop a Cow, Bra”?
The steer had been flayed and dissected, its skin, organs and bones arranged upon the shrubland in a meticulous mandala with the animal’s heart at its center, a cloud of black flies fighting the Wyoming wind to claim their share of the bounty. Dick Gerlits stalked slowly around the circle — fifty feet from edge to edge — a scowl steadily cutting deeper into his leathered features.
“What do you think, boss?” asked Hector.
Gerlits took his time answering. “I think I’m gonna find the son of a bitch that did this and nail his fucking hide to my wall. If it’s the last thing I do in this life, I’m gonna find him.”
“Well, watch out if you do,” said JJ. “Cause this son of a bitch has got a sharp knife.”
The Widows’ Pilgrimage
“The Widows’ Pilgrimage” appears in Birdy 105, September 2022, with art by Ali Hoff. The Bears of Umbre battle a Niroan Legion for control of the elemental Widows. Blood and gold!
Bears of Umbre! Soon you’ll step foot on the Red Shore. Why “red”? Blood and gold, that’s why! Look at those Widows. Eight of ’em, each dripping with treasure, ripe for the taking. The fortune of a lifetime, and all that stands between us and them are some Niroan cunts. So gnash your teeth! Bite and claw! Tear out their throats, hack off their balls, spit in their eyes! Umbre, fuel my rage! Maka, lend me your thirst! Ogin, whet my axe! Blood and gold! Blood and gold! Blood and gold!
Surf’s Up at Apocalypse Beach
“Surf’s Up at Apocalypse Beach” appears in Birdy #104, Aug. 2022, with art by Caitlyn Grabenstein. Don’t let the end of the world ruin your day, dude.
Something wet slaps onto the windshield. “Shit,” I cough, since I got a hit in me, then cough a lot more, til I wonder if I’m hallucinating.
It looks like a frog. A freaky, slimy, gray-green frog the size of a mandarin orange, except it must be some kind of mutant cause it’s got a membrane between its arms and legs, like a flying squirrel. It’s not even dead. It hops away.
Then another hits the windshield. And another. It’s raining frogs.
“What was in that joint, dude?”
No Escape From the Storm
“No Escape From the Storm” appears in Birdy #102, June 2022, with art by Caitlyn Grabenstein (@cult.class). Like Thelma & Louise, but interdimensional.
So she pulled out of the line and flipped around in the parking lot to head back toward the on-ramp. As she did, she saw a funnel start to descend toward the low scrub hills. Suddenly Aliya’s reaction didn’t seem so unreasonable. “Holy shit.” Her foot stomped on the gas like she was wearing concrete boots. She’d never been more grateful for a twenty-year-old V6.
Filthy Animals
“Filthy Animals” appears in Birdy #101, May 2022, with art by Nick Flook (@flooko). Relationships can be sticky, ya know?
King Sargasso
“King Sargasso” appears in Birdy #100, April 2022, with art by Moon Patrol. The green halls are waiting!
THE FELL AND THE FAE 